Brother

Suddenly my mind flashed back to what mum commented last week "Onn Onn, classmate get married." Such a simple comment brings me to grief actually. Many times in my life, I get to wonder why such a painful event goes to my brother. Till today, I still can't really accept the fact why he got such a tragic disease. Sometimes I do asked mum why she dint get more children so I won't be that lonely. Mum never gives me an answer of that and I do understand why she did so.

I wish I can have 2 or three brothers or sisters. That would be fun when everyone grew up. Looking on my friends telling me how they have family gathering, meeting up with their siblings, I just feel jealous of them. Sometime I do ask God, since he know I love my brother so much why this happend to him. A very smart boy, talented person have such an ending. Nine years passed since the day he fall sick, yet I never stop asking God why all these comes to him. When I was young, he always told me "Meg ge, I wish I will be a astronut or scientist or doctor or at least a pharmacist to give mama a good life in future." Sometime when I come accross his classmates I just said to myself, "Onn Onn if you are alright now, I'm sure you are at least a pharmacist and of course you have a pretty girlfriend and get marry soon and I have to deal with another person in my life" Since I was young He enjoyed bully me till I cried badly like hell. Each night before we went to bed he is pro in telling ghost story which makes me shouting, screaming and crying. He never pampered me as how others people pampered their younger sister. But what makes me love him so much is how he makes me cry and laughing at me when I doesnt know how to solve my Mathematics equation. He is always there tell me how he chased a girl in the school. How girls come after him. This is because he know I won't tell mum because I don't know what all these is about and its just merely a story telling for a kid. When I flash back all these things, I really missed my childhood days with his presence. Although during sems breaks day I do tell him from begining till the semester ends hows my semester life and how sucks the semester to me but the feeling is never same as when I was young. I hope he is there to answer my conversation then only looking at me with a kind of understanding expression. Anyway, life still to get on and I'm learning to accept the reality that things never goes back like before. Even how much I linger on it, it is just a dream. Does this dream will comes true? The answer is only known by God the great creator of the world.

K.L

Going to KL *or should i use going back* gives me a feeling of going back home. Meeting with old friends seems like seeing my family. At last, I admit that I miss KL so much. Miss the people I know there and city life there.

Few photo was taken * actually should I said that I'm too busy and happy till I forget there is an invention called camera * XD

Anyway, I feel nice to talk to old friends. Although my path of life may be slightly different from them but I love the feeling of mutual sharing. I come to a realization that my life even worst than them. So, I should turn on a new leaf, live a life to fullest with no regret. Some of old friends started to feel I'm a stranger, but I don't get to blame them. Thats the fact that I should accept where friends come and go, but only true friends will leave a footprint in your life.

Its not easy, but I'm trying my best

I believe he assumed that I've grown accustomed to his absence and perhaps are walking on my own feet again. Maybe, he didn't know that the true reason I can still smile, laugh, eat and live on is because even if I stay sad and low, all the tears and heartbreak felt will not permit us to be back as before as time being. Thus, I chose to stay optimistic, with the hopes of us reuniting again soon. The time I spent with him are good, happy times...I choose to remember those and stay on happy always.

It's not easy, but I'm trying my best

As many friends start asking me "Bel, why you choose to go Kampar instead of advance?" and "How are you in Kampar"... here goes the answer.

Major reason how ended up in coming Kampar still remain a mystery. May be I prefer to live in a small peaceful and quiet town rather than all you can hear is the hustle and bustle of life in KL which giving no one sit down in a peace. There's only rush over all things. Im feel fed up of my busy life in KL so go for a quiet yet peaceful small town of Kampar. A big swing of environment actually. I not good in adapting to new environment actually, but I'm trying my very best at the moment.

Im fine physically but not really in emotion. May be I'm still very new to this town; the culture and new university. Everything is still new to me. But I feel lucky to find a bunch of friends that are nice to me. Sometimes I do miss my friends in Kuala Lumpur damn much but it is impossible for me linger on the past forever. Perhaps I should look forward and be brave. Something greener is waiting me.

=)

I found that small little tiny piece of paper. =)

Resignation

Chugged one whole can of Shandy in exchange for dinner; I thought it'll give me a hypervilant kick but turned out; I downed myself with a can of empty calories instead.

As my writting were taken personally, the results indeed were disastrous. The problem lies within the fact that my writings were only a fragment of the whole picture. The exact picture was not being drawn and conclusions were made likened to the story of three blind men touching an elephant; one claimed the elephant's like a coconut tree, the other a rope, the other only God-knows-what-he-meant.

.............................

I have no anger, just resignation. Resignation which was closely followed by a string of sadness and avalanche of sorrow and forlorn.

He doesnt know

There were countless left unspoken, untold. I'm sure there are some people in the world wearing the same shoes as mine.

For example, your loved one may not know that you left aside important meets in hope to spend an sometime to talk with him, only to know after that he has to go in a flash due to some unforeseen matters. You'd say its all fine, and mean it but at the same time your heart ached a thousand broken bones.

Maybe too, he doesn't know that the reason you could smile and joked when you see him is because he's your sugar rush, your sunshine. Or perhaps you feel moody because he too got blue. On top of that, you started to love something u doesn't like because he made it so interesting and funny. And you just can't stop to get involved in every possible way in his life without tyring to look like a leech. Or with the fear of looking like one. Neither does he know that just one look at his face and all your loneliness has found its immediate cure because he's the only one who could fill your heart. As well as the fact that you'd sometimes make yourself look like a dumbo with dough-brain to make him laugh because seeing him happy, he automatically becomes your joy.

Or when he's far away, you'd spend those nights shedding precious salty drops of tears in silence on your bed just because you missed him.

Also, of how heartbroken you got when you realized that he's not feeling well and that you wished that you would feel his pain for him instead. Sometimes you'd even pray hard enough for his recovery that you start to question God, "WHY?".

More to that, he surely didn't know that you found joy, not in what he do for you but his sincerity in it.

Or that despite his confessions of his flaws and weaknesses, you still see him as someone so perfect...yet human. And although he would claim that he looks like an ogre, you found him ever handsome and charming as liken to the prince in fairytales.

Maybe too, he doesn't know that you would try to find every possible excuse to find a way to spend time with him without trying to interfere in his life.

Perhaps he doesn't know how much you are thinking of him, right now, at this very moment; that you find him insatiable-you'll never ever get enough of him.

And I bet he doesn't know that there were dozens of things more that you thought of about him. As well as how much exactly you feel for him, exactly how much he means to you.

Of course, he doesn't know...

=(

I did badly in my exam today.

1st record in my student life where I don't even recall a single answer when I'm read through the questions. Seems like I never flip over the book previously. Luckily, a friend of mine Roy* help me out a bit. I know I shouldn't peeps over his answer but at least it help me from getting a mark that I couldn't imagine I will get. Thanks much for this. I really grateful.

A lesson to be learn today;

NEVER TREAT MID TERM TEST AS A PEANUT TEST AS PREVIOUSLY. ALL THINGS COMES BY EFFORT.

Turn over a new leaf.

Clueless

Searching that little piece of paper but I couldn't found it. *extreamly down*

I got a limit space of memory for phone numbers. Two nights ago I deleted all his text message and just scribble his phone number and put it safely in a place *I forgot which place is that* and of course I deleted his number too so that I will stop myself to text him. Argh... now I hope to have that number back safely in my hand but its a total blank when I try to refresh where I dump it. How is he getting on ? I really wish he is all fine.

Im in a total clueless situation now.

Coward

It has been 24 hours since the last time I talk to him. It seems time that has passed rather quickly, yet dragging along the pain, emptiness and sadness through the ever grueling days.

I totally dont dare to bring myself forward to let him know how much I miss him... as well how many days since I broke down and I cried alone just because I wish his presence. Neither did I tell him how bad these days were to me and the I lost the half of my soul because it was with him. I did all these because I know he is up to something more important.

Thousand words to tell, but not even one spoken out because they got seeped into the miles wide stretched in between us. Definitely the first chapter of learning to be independent and learn to carry my own feeling to myself and bear it all.

The Road Not Taken

I thank Robert Frost for his beautiful melody of words, that guide me to the decision I made recently.

The Road Not Taken
TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost (1874–1963). Mountain Interval. 1920.

I, too chose the road less travelled by...